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Hello everybody!!!Just in time for the Christmas season!!!Lot's and Lots of Christmas jokes!!Personally i would like to thank the guild Eclipse for these jokes, since one of their members generously gave me this page.Well, moving along, 'ere's the jokes!!

A beautiful young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children you know." Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off the bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children you know." Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa..., Please... Stay."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way !!!
oh yeah that was a good one!!
"10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Not bad Eclipse members!
"The 12 days of AOL" On the first day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the second day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the third day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fourth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the fifth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the sixth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the seventh day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eight day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the ninth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the tenth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the eleventh day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 11 channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
On the twelveth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me, 12 reasons to cancel, 11channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
Moving right along:
Bah Humbug Christmas T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was p*ssed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my arse for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady b*tches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those arseholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of p*ss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat arse and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

Oh yeah Eclipse is da bomb!
So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother
Now don't you feel better???
Hella yeah!!
He laid her on the table So white, clean & bare, his forehead wet with sweat, he rubbed her here & there He touched her neck & then her breast then drooling he felt her thigh, the slit was wet & all was set, he gave a joyous cry, the hole was wide... he looked inside, all was dark & murky, he rubbed his hands & stretched his arms.. and then....... he stuffed the turkey
ROFLMAO!!!
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues " We have Barbie Goes to Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95 ?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant,"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture....."
Well, that's all the Christmas jokes, time fer da normal ones!!
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!" The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language." Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hop your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."
hey leave your mom outta this!
Diary of an AOL User. July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I can't get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the d dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone. July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? It's probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I can't ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they won't let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp..netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.
True dat True dat!!
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn
that is juss sick...
An overdressed, over perfumed, sexy blonde boards a jet and plops down in a first class seat. The Suspicious flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She then says to the gal, "I'm sorry, but you have a coach ticket and you'll have to move back to the coach section." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to the Bahamas and I'm not moving." The frustrated flight attendant goes to her supervisor telling her, "I can't get that blonde woman to move back into coach. What shall I do?" The supervisor says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it," and speaks to the blonde telling her she cannot stay in the first class section. The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to the Bahamas and I'm not moving." The two upset flight attendants go to the cockpit and tell the captain of the situation. He says, "no problem, I'll go back and speak to her." So he goes to the blonde, leans over and whisper in her ear. She immediately stands up, gathers her belongings and goes right back into the coach area. In amazement the flight attendants ask him, "What in the world did you say to her?" To which the captain answered, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to the Bahamas."
no offense to all you blondes out there of course...
The 747 Has Everything...
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess aware of his predicament, suggested that he use the ladies room, but CAUTIONED him against PRESSING any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR". Eventually his curiosity got the better of him and sitting there he carefully pressed the first button marked "WW", immediately, WARM WATER sprayed gently over his entire ass. He thought, golly, the girls really have it made. Still curious, he pressed the next button makred "WA", WARM AIR, dried his ass completely, this he thought, was out of this world. The button makred "PP" yielded a large POWDER PUFF, which patted his bottom lightly with a scented powder. Naturally, he just couldn't resist the last one marked "ATR". When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, what happened? The last thing I remember, I was in the Ladies Room aboard a Plane. The nurse replied, and yes you were having a GREAT time until you pressed the button marked "ATR" which stands for AUTOMATIC TAMPAX REMOVER, your penis is under the pillow.
ewwwwwwwww....
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9. This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh crap...
12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
Looks like I won't be flying anytime soon....
Thanks again Eclipse!
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